The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

ALMOST TIME !!!!



my mixers are cooling in the fridge

muh moonie is in muh box...



what MORE could a girl ask for ??!?!??!

just got off the fone with my B :D

i luff muh B :)



even though he was ina bad mood (not from ME though thank goodness lol) ..



its good to hear him say "i love you"

yup :)



made myself one REALLY stiff drink .. and it was gooooooodddddd ......... so i made muhself ANOTHER, not QUITE as strong but close :)



one thing i luff about me .. maybe lol the ONLY thing lol . is my low alcohol tolerance ..doesnt take much to gimme a nice warm buzz ;)



so . lemme say here now . for all posterity ... lol.. you are NOT ALLOWED to hold anything i say tonight OR TOMORROW NIGHT for that matter.. against meh :)



heh

it's deer season, so of course gunshots can be heard here where i live, night and day, sporadically at ALL hours... i have heard MANY today, the sun has gone ALLA way down and i am still hearing them ...



of course night hunting ISN'T LEGAL . but when have rednecks ever given a french fried fuck about the law?



i talked to jon earlier .. and he and i and holly all joked about the possible outcome of tomorrows fishing trip my dad is taking with our cousin Cale. Cale who cant make it thru the day without inhaling or drinking SOME type of intoxicant... and my dad, who is STILL owed a great deal of money by Cale for bailing him outta just ONE of his DUI's Will they BOTH come back from the lake? or will Cale knock my dad in the head and take his (NOW FOUND) wallet? Will Cale say something smart-assed to my dad and HIM end up the one pushed in the lake? or by some New Years miracle, will they both make it back and Cale have finally payed my dad some or all of the money he owes him? .....only time will tell ... we are thinking of taking bets lol



Cale is the second son, of my Uncle Joe, my Dads brother. Uncle Joe's been dead... holy shit ten years now ... i miss him. He was .... i shouldnt say the Dad I never had because i DO have a good Dad, but in a way . Uncle Joe was.... the Dad that i NEVER HAD ... one i could feel close to, and be myself with, and not feel judged by at every turn. And I . was the daughter he never had lol .. the last thing he SAID to me was .. "I love you Tracye Baby"... and I to him, "I love you too Dunky Doe." which was how i said his name as a baby lol .. he smiled at me ... his cancer ridden body lightning up for a second, and the sparkle back in his eyes. I'll never forget that moment ...



Uncle Joes death, as odd as this sounds, was the easiest I have ever dealt with. Uncle Joe refused to die in a hospital. He said ... and i QUOTE (LMAO)



"AINT NO GODDAMNED DOCTER GONNA TELL ME WHEN AND IF SOMEONE I LOVE CAN COME INTO MY ROOM... if i have to die on the fucking street, i aint gonna die in a hospital unit."... lol very DUNKY DOE that was lol



the last two weeks he as alive were, of course, his worse. he had stopped sleeping. i madehim a dreamcatcher.. i put everything i had into it. it was pure white leather, i had stones on the webbing that meant something to both me and him, i had stayed up ALL NIGHT making it, praying over it infusing ALL I HAD into the webbing and the stones, and the owlfeathers i used for it ... each space in the web given a memory to hold and a hope for a peaceful passing and afterlife... i took it to him on Wednesday.. i sat with him alone for two hours that day .... telling him all about it, and talking of the things i had thought about while making it ... we laffed, we cried, he remembered them all too. Ellen (his wife at the time but NOT the mother of my cousins) . said that night he slept ALL NIGHT .. for the first time in two weeks ...when i left that evening, as i walked out the door of his bedroom, is when he said "I love you Tracye Baby", and smiled that Dunky Doe smile ....



Thursday, they say he didnt speak much at all ... and Ellen said he slept HARD Thursday night, i had had to work and didnt get to go at all Thursday to see him.



And in the early morning hours of that Friday ... he woke Ellen up who was sleeping in a recliner beside his bed, and told her he loved her. By the time she turned the light on and was asking him if she could get him anything, he was gone.



Thanksgiving .... it was the day after Thanksgiving ... and i hadnt even REALIZED it, until i overheard someone at the viewing, say how sad it was he had passed so close to a holiday



i miss him.

Dunky Doe.

new years... yup.... ALL set



my drinkables were just delivered ... the alcoholic part at least.. already had the mixer :)



so ...

heres the plan for new years



home

alone

drinking

alone

woop de fucking doo

damn

i had every intention of getting back up when my alarm went off at ten last night .... but . for the first time in a long time ... actually felt "easy" enough to sleep ... so i took advantage of it ...



now . its about 20 til 4 in the morning .. and pelts of thunder are rolling across the alabama hills and lightning lights up the early morning skyline as i sit here, thinking , writing, pondering



as i said .. i made you a promise, that i have every intention of keeping... but its so easy .. as i sit here now . to slip back into thoughts of ... how much better FOR ME it could be ....



but no ... again dont worry ... you made your point when you said her name ... and for her.. and because YOU ASKED ... i abandon what i still feel might have been my one chance at .. no pain



-----------------------

a bit later.........



the rain just started to fall

i hate rain

i hate being ALONE in the rain

hell i just hate being alone

AND DAYUM !!!!!!!

THUNDER just made my WHOLE lil house shake !!!



-----------------------

a bit later AGAIN



AND HOLY FRENCH FRIED FUCK !!!!

in ALL my 41 years i dont think i have ever heard it rain SO HARD .... and people i was in Charleston SC when a HURRICANE HIT !!! (okay it was 21 years ago but still it was a HURRICANE!!!)



Emmy and Tigga actually stopped fighting and ran and hid under the covers TOGETHER on the couch!

i looked out the window, and i couldnt even see the street light just across the road at TImmy and Farahs house . and thats not even 100 yards away.



dayum ....

was i?

yes.

did i think it mattered?

no.

are things different now?

some.

do i feel better?

some.

am i going to?

no.

will i stop thinking about it?

i doubt it.









do i miss you?

most definently.

do i still love you?

to quote bunka... "with all my heart".

the kids got ROCK STAR for their xbox. and found out just how cool mom can be lol i kicked some major ass on bon jovi, black sabbath, molly hatchett, metallica, several more lol it was funny . thank GAWD melody has already run the batteries down on her new cam so she couldnt take videos hhhhhhhahahaha



holly got me an awesome book about the knights templar... its HUGEEEEEEEEEE and even I might be a while reading it .. i'd say its at least two and a half inches thick if not three , and with smalllllllllllllllll typeset lol .. yeah its a mega-book lol



i was able at the last minute to go out and shop for ava ... and she loved what i got her . and TOTALLY unplanned... (so they say at least lol) after she opened mine she came over to me and said "I gotchoo summfin VEWT SPESHULL TWACEE..." and climbed up in my lap (lloking over at jamie(avas mom ,,, my cousin) who was shaking her head and mouthing I DUNNO??)

so i said what did you get me thats special ava??



she wrapped her lil arms around my neck and hugged my tight, then she put her lil hands on either side of my face and SQUISSSSSSSSSSSSSHED my cheeks together and KISSED ME HARD on the mouth and laffed and said "A GREAT BIG BUNCH OF AVA LOVES !!!"



lmmfao

that kid lmfao



shit like that ... makes things harder ... makes me doubt some of the decisions i have made as of late ...



my gift from jenni .... a heart shaped mirror sitting in a stand that says MOM I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART..... she bought it with her own money at THE SANTA SHOP they have st school every year ...



that .. killed me .. poor bunka .. it will be hard on her... she does love me with all her lil heart ...

she deserves so much better ... poor baby .. .. ..



maybe things will look up

maybe once new years is over i wont feel so bad

maybe pigs will sprout green flaky wings and converge on DC and take over the country too.

thats about how much hope i have left



hollys going to Muscle Shoals tomorrow .. shes gonna pick up my drinkables for me.. ima sit home alone and get drunk for new years.. yee fucking haw



oh

for myself i bought the SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY EDITION ---LABYRINTH .. the special features are pretty damn good.. what i have watched so far at least



im rambling

and it doesnt matter

it wont be happening very many more times so just bare the fuck with me



jenni asked me if i had talked to her butthead lately

i had to just walk away from her

wtf am i supposed to tell her

what the fuck do i tell myself





i love you

when you make a promise to yourself . you shouldnt break it



i have made several lately



to not care

to not harbor false hope

to not let any sense of security seep in

to not ... think of better things and days that never come

to not hurt any more

to not .... anything



i cant call them new years resolutions as .. well.. the new year doesnt equate into said promises

18 years ago today ....

i cant believe it ....



it was hard getting you here... and scary ...



from the look on the Dr's face when he lost your heartbeat the first time, to the fact that there was no fluid for you, to the sound of the Dr's voice when he tried to whisper to the nurse that the cord was wrapped around your neck.



But when they finally handed you to me .. small, screaming, rough as hell from absorbing so much of the fluid yourself from being over-due ...



you were the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.. my son ... my lil boy ... come to me on Xmas Eve. what better present could someone receive.



all the time spent in the hospital when you were a baby .... the time i nearly lost you to pneumonia and RSV .... the loooong nights and the breathing treatments ....



your first day of headstart .. i cried ... and you ... YOU TOLD ME not to worry that you would be home in time for Barney .... lol mommas lil man ..



first day of first grade wasn't any better on me . real school . my lil man growing up .... and this time you said ... "dont worry momma.. Holly is here to watch me".. lol that she was ...



the day i finally faced the fact that "HE" wasnt coming home.. i cried . and you said "Dont worry Momma, I'll take care of you." .. .. ..yes you did



the day your voice cracked for the first time .. i sat down at the table and cried lol and you asked me why and i explained .... and you said "Dont worry Momma, I will always be your little boy.".... yes son, you alway will ....



the day you got your drivers license.... whew.. that was a big one and like an over-emotional mother, i cried... and you said "Don't worry Momma, I'll be careful." thank goodness you always have been



and today ... you turn 18, and yes .. i'm crying .... i can't believe your 18, you're not Momma's lil man any more .... and I am always gonna worry, baby ...



thats what Mommas are for.



I love you, Jonathen Chase Williams ..

Happy Birthday .....

ever had one of those odd random thoughts ... ... and afterwards be like .. WHERE THE FUCK did that come from ?? lol



ever just wished someone would fade away ...



ever wished you could just go to sleep an never wake up??



ever wonder if it really does stop hurting when your dead?

or if THATS just a myth too ??



ever think about finding out??



yeah ... me too

tonight i can imagine the smiles on the faces of people i have never seen



i am sure everyone is happy



every one but ME of course.. but when has that ever really mattered?



so laff it up .. have your wonderful lil holiday, happy in the knowledge that you all finally got what you wanted, and maybe if i am lucky i might get the balls to take for myself.. the one thing i really want... for the pain to just fucking stop



OH !! how rude of me .. i almost forgot



HAPPY GODDAMNED NEW YEAR TOO

bottoms up :)



****************************





On Dec 21, 2007 4:58 PM, Tracye williams wrote:

aww.. now THAT is a HELLUVA compliment !! thank you !!!!!!









On Dec 21, 2007 4:33 PM, Judy wrote:



yep, I've made her my wallpaper!

LOL









On 12/21/07, Tracye williams wrote:



glad you like her !!!! *hugs*









On Dec 21, 2007 4:21 PM, Judy wrote:



that is awesome!

thank you!!!!



**************************





back story.... i made a tag for our member of the week this week in the yahoo group . and she LUFFED IT :)



no higher compliment that this :) *giggles*







the image in question ??

this one . but with her nic on it . which is RAVEN ...

so much for that

*intermission while i make more pop corn !!!!*

oh and heres some funnies I got in an email today while we wait :)







1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."



3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."



4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.



5. You should not confuse your career with your life.



6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.



7. Never lick a steak knife.



8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.



9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.



10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.



11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.



12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.



13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)



14. Your friends love you anyway.



15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

so yeah i get my horoscope as a text on my cell phone ... its supposed to come once a day .. SOMETIMES i might get one a week.. more like once or twice a month ... how sad is it when an automated thingy forgets you?



so heres what mine said today .............



"It's possible that you will feel emotionally neglected today, which could lead to some frustration and maybe even some tensions"



hhmm....

effin message monster



An unknown error occurred while trying to send your message.







cant send

lost all i had saved



you KNOW what they say about server glitches !!!!

i just really LUFF muh moonie :)



and i'm still trying hard not to laff at Bossman getting his finger pierced :)

and moonie as well lol

remind me to ask you a question about profiles..

something i read in journal lmao

have chicken fingers and onion rings for breakfast?

lmfao



god i feel like shit

okay so...

i have written three LOOOOONG ass entries here, only to SELECT ALL/DELETE them

what it all amounts to is

i just wanna feel better

and i dont know how

the last time i told my mother i love her....



i DO remember the last time i hugged her... it was 11 years ago this past valentines day .... the day Jason was killed... i fell in my moms arms when she told me and i lost my fucking mind.... Jason was only my cousin to the rest of the world.. but to me Jason was the little brother i never had... we were closer than cousins. Our grandparents (my dads parents) raised him, and i was ALWAYS at thier house... they had WOODS TO PLAY IN AND JASON WAS THERE....



and when Jason died.. I wanted to die too...



And my mother held me and let me fall apart....



We dont have a good relationship, my mother and I. She never really... liked meto be honest.. my Dad wanted kids.. not her. And i think i caught alot of that resentment that she felt for HIM.. i still feel it.



When my mothers mother died... gawd... 20 years ago . i was . afraid to hug her and tell her i loved her. i wanted to, but i would get near her and she would walk away. i wrote it off as her way of grieving as best i could, but it hurt. When her father was dieing .... a few years later.. i spent ALOT of time with him . i HATED that CRUEL SON OF A BITCH.. but i was a nursing student back then and my mother wanted me there and for HER i did it. i took care of a man that i would have rather held the pillow over his face until he stopped squirming... my mother thanked me for that when he did finally die. but still .. never let me touch her.



Today, a friend of my mothers, a fellow teacher... got a phone call. Her only daughter had been found dead in her bed... she was supposed to be flying home for Christmas, tomorrow.



My mother just left my house. She sent my son to the door to ask me to come outside. The arthritis in her knees is bad and my one lil step is almost too much for her... i started to the passengers side of her van as i always do .. and she knocked on the windshield and motioned for me to come t her side, as i rounded the van, she was opening her door and getting out ... as i got closer my mother. . .... opened her arms.... i just stepped up to her and put my arms around her too... as she told me about her friend...and what had happened...

to be honest . i'm not sure who was holding WHO at that moment..... and i told her i love her... and she told me she loves me too.



and then it was over.. she pulled away and straightened up and got back into her van talking about getting ready for christmas and making fruitcake and the moment was gone ... but by god it HAD HAPPENED.....



and how odd is it ... that on today . when in my TODAY KAMI IS .. i posted that i needed a hug ... my mother of all people.. is who gave it to me.

been a while since i sat around and thought of things i hate..



NO WAIT let me rephrase that ...

its been a while since i WROTE DOWN the things that i hate...

___________________________



i hate....



people who work their way into my life and TAKE UP ROOTS.. when i dont even want them there in the first place





shiny happy people



being lied to



people who think i am too stupid to see whats right in front of my face



FUCKING HOLIDAYS



crazy cats



when i cant work on my book



running out of mayonnaise



RUNNING OUT OF MT DEW !!!!!

*hears muh moonie laffin*



FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!!



starting off the new year... alone.. as usual



her .. even MORE now ....

and HER... EVEN MOOOOORE now...



beautiful people who doubt themselves



people who try to convince me im something i KNOW im NOT



people who feel the need to sugar coat



people who interfere



people who SAY one thing then do another



people who doubt ME... thats MY JOB muther-fuckers :)



people who think that just because i KNOW i am depressed means that i should be able to just STOP



people who think theres a fucking SWITCH you can flip and change things



people who dont respect friendship



people who can only find the time to think of themselves



when shit that SHOULDNT ....makes me cry anyway



getting older



living longer



dieing alone



songs that make me cry



not being able to stop listening to those songs



wishing i was her.....

two hours sleep.

wtf is wrong with me?

rhetorical question people.. lol i DO KNOW the answer to that.



i wish it would all just go away.

the doubt

the insecurity

the inability to DO a FUCKING thing about it



ugh

thanks to something said by someone else....



we can STALK on VR

we can BITE on VR...



CANCER.. hun ... we REALLY NEED.......



A SPANK BUTTON !!!!!!!!!!!



*nods*

i wish i didnt FEEL



how much would just be easy sailing in this life if i just didnt FEEL?



For all the pain and fear I felt yesterday . this mornings conversation left me with a whole NEW brand of fear . and even a lil pain .. and I havent decided which is WORSE....



i was scared outta my MIND to step out of it and hurt beyond BELIEF that i had to...

now i find myself scared to step back in so soon.. but its an odd scared... its almost like... in the beginning...

i imagine she enjoyed hearing the news



i hope SOMEBODY is getting a lil enjoyment outta my life falling apart





it damn sure aint me









isnt this just gonna be a MERRY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS



and a

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR





maybe THIS year will be the year I FINALLY GET THE BALLS to put an end to all the bullshit



cuz i am so sick

and

tired

of this





dont ask me if im alright

NO IM NOT FUCKING ALRIGHT



dont ask me if i am gonne BE alright

NO IM NOT _GONNA_ BE_ ALRIGHT EITHER





not til its all over

not til im FUCKING DEAD

THEN maybe it wont hurt SO bad

right ?





im sitting here right now... with a chat box pulled up talking to one of my very bestest VR gal-buds (humos for CM) and we're talking and laffin and (seemingly) having a good time god BLESS HER for wanting me to feel better... i want me to feel better to baby .. i just dont see it happening ...

BUT DAMN am i a good actress or what ??









i have my headfones on ..... Tegan and Sara blasting away and assaulting my ears and its still not going away ...

i can still hear you saying it

i can still feel these FUCKING TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE AND I AM



FUCKING TIRED



of always .. being the one left hurt............





but then ...

that doesnt really matter now does it ??

to sleep that is ...



oh.. i did sleep some.. how else could i have fucked up dreams ??

ugh

i can remember three separate dreams, and waking up after each one...

i FEEL like i didnt sleep at all.

my neck and shoulders are still in knots, and so is my stomach for that matter.



merry FUCKING christmas

i took my fucktard profile down

i cant even stand an IGNORANT reference to fucking christmas

and jesus FUCKING christ .. i dont know if i have ever dreaded new years this bad... at least not in a long long time ..



i just wanna ...

i gave up





im literally so fucking tired

so DRAINED

that i feel like i am gonna PUKE

im at that point where..

you KNOW how you feel...

when your JUST ABOUT TO PASS OUT ...



yeah ....

thats where i'm at



and im so

so

bone tired

hahah

so maybe he DOES like wearing make up ..

but GAWD DAMN HE LOOKS SO GOOD !!!!!!

and ANY MAN that CAN carry off that much eyeliner and STILL LOOK that DAMN FINE is all fucking right with me :)

i mean PLEASE !!!

LOOK !!!!!









AND LOOK !!!!!!!!









*sigh*

good gravy

i went to sleep way to early

and i have been awake now since about 2:00 am

its 5:00 now.. and i'm thinking about chicken fingers and onion rings lmfao



its getting closer to xmas and new years

this year... i have a feeling its gonna be harder than usual.. and goddamn USUAL is BAD enuff



new years is always ruff for me ..

its the passing from one fucked up year into another one that i hold no hope for.. that really fucks me up.



earlier this year.. a couple months ago actually.. i had actually let myself think that new years wasnt gonna be so bad this year... that 2008 wasnt gonna be so bad cuz there was a hope for something wonderful happening ...



WHAT THE FUCK was i thinking ffs??

why should this year be any better..any different than the last 41?....

geezus FUCKING CHRIST i am gonna be 42 in a few short months ...

and what have i got huh?

nothing

no one

fuck



*sigh*

im trying to think remember the last time i had a decent new years..



last year i was alone

year before that i was with gyp... but i was just as alone...

i remember that at midnight, i was laying awake, listening to him breath and wondering if 2006 was gonna be the year he finally got tired of me and made me leave.... welp lol it damn sure was ...



and this year...

i will be alone again ...

you know "they say" what ever you're doing at the stroke of midnight is what you will spend the rest of the year doing"



so ...

im looking forward to a year of crying alone?

ANOTHER ONE?????

greatttttttttttttttttttttttt......



anyone got a straight razor i can borrow??

sheeesssshhhhh

i told someone earlier ... that i feel a lil break down coming on .. and they said to me "dont.. it didnt work for me"....



i feel like...giving up

i feel like...letting go

i feel like...fucking dieing



noooooooooooo silly.... i am not---do not wanna-- would not ever -----.... commit suicide....



i just wish i could lay down and die :)



being left in the dark isnt fair yah know

personally. well at least at ONE POINT in my life i thought i deserved better than that.... i am fastly learning i was wrong... i dont deserve ANYTHING ...



i musta been some kinda french fried BITCH in my past lives....

cuz i am paying for WAYYYY more than i have done ..

its been a long day

and the night promises to be longer



its just one of those "why cant i just lay down and stop breathing" kinda days lol..makes me wonder how bad tonight is gonna be



*pecks on the monitor*

hey .. you ..

YEAH you ...



does it matter?



i was afraid youd say that

:(

oooooooooooooooh Bossman ....

reading your last journal entry struck a cord with me ... and i feel the need to "answer" it :)



i DO agree with most of what you say ... the first being that is someone wants to be with you they will be . pursuit or not ....



And i TOTALLY agree that too many people see "the pursuit" as a game... there are literally those that are only IN IT for the thrill of the hunt.. and once the "prey" is taken .... the thrill is *POOF* gone.... i have literally been TOLD at the end of a relationship once that "I need to be able to go out and have to work for some... I already know I can have you when I want you.. its the thrill of the chase.. we dont have that any more."

(Nice Dude... now hand me that razor blade and bottle of pills will yah??)



I even agree with your take on sex... for me the reasons might be a lil different... I'm old lol i look at things different i guess.... but I was young once and i went thru my spells of *outrageousness* lol and for me .. older and wiser now.. I just see no point in the proverbial SEX FOR THE SAKE OF FUCKING.... if it doesnt MEAN SOMETHING.. i can do without it .... and YES. i miss it to lol but its not really the SEX i miss.... hey .. if i get to the point that i NEEEEEEED an orgasm ... lol i can take care of that all by my lil self ;) ... but i do miss the closeness, the intimacy, the affection... that comes with it .. when its RIGHT....

Sure.. sex feels good... but waking up alone the morning after you fuck someone just for the hell of it ... doesnt ..



I get the feeling from your entry that you see it as only women who play such games... and OF COURSE i understand lol being a man you have never HAD a man play the game on yah .. but let me tell you Dear.. your gender is JUST AS GUILTY lol . and from MY point of view... are much worse with it and about it .. for YOU... Dear Bossman ... are a dieing breed.... VERY few of your gender give a flying french fried FUCK about the damage they can and DO accomplish when playing their games.



Females....*clears throat* ok MOST females.. are just GEARED to care and love differently .. and when the game is played on us it affects us MUCH deeper..much harder... MUCH more hurtfully.



I'm not saying that men arent capable of feeling hurt.. but just NOT like we do.. not most men.



Here's where we differ a lil in opinion .. the marriage thing.... and before i start this lemme just say OH YES i am fully aware that there are gold diggers out there Hun. but trust me just as many of them are MALE...



you say THE RARE FEW.. who go into it for the right reasons...the man that goes into it for the right reason is EVER MORE RARE Boss.... as I said you ARE a dieing breed...



As stupid as it sounds..FOR ME (lemme add lol) marriage. ..THAT PIECE OF PAPER is about ... legitimacy... it says something to the rest of the world.. it says "I LOVE THIS PERSON ENOUGH TO BIND MYSELF TO THEM NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY BUT LEGALLY".... living with someone says...

"EEHHH... I WANT AN EASY WAY OUT WHEN I GET BORED HERE"



That piece of paper... meaningless as it may seem to most... of EITHER gender... is meant to be a FOREVER thing.. a bond.. and it PAINS me to see how many people these days go into marriage NOT thinking "I LOVE THIS PERSON AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THEM"..... but more like "WELL...DIVORCE IS EASY WHEN (not if) I GET READY TO LEAVE" ...



I'm sorry Bossman ... but from this side of the fence, the men are the bad guys... its the man who cant seem to keep his dick in his pants.. its the man who sees marriage and love as a game more oft than not ... and its the man who comes out of such things unscathed , leaving a path of destruction in their wake....



you say ...

Ok, there ARE the RARE few that get married because they actually love their companion, but that's a rare commodity these days. Besides, you can be in a relationship with someone and live with them the rest of your life and NOT be married and achieve the same exact thing as if you were married to them. Am I wrong on this one?



YES ... you are... because the one thing you never accomplish without that piece of paper.. is a deepseeded KNOWING sense.... of security..

For how can you ever TOTALLY trust that someone loves you .... if they wont take that ONE LITTLE step to show the WORLD... that there is commitment and REAL MEANING to the relationship?



Its not just a piece of paper, Sonn... at least it SHOULDNT be...



You also say ...

LMAO, my friend obviously values sex just a little more than I do, heh.



NO DEAR...you're friend doesnt value sex AT ALL.. he just wants to blow a load... and to tell the truth.. probably thinks less of you because YOU dont see it that way ... whether he would ever say that to your face or not...



Reading your journal... in some ways made me think EVEN more of you than I already do ... and in some ways made me very sad for you...

just cant see

to get it loud

enuff to drowned

out

the

BULLSHIT

and of course.. its Steve Vai !!!!!

ronnie james dio !!!!

HUNGRY FOR HEAVEN !!!!



"REACH FOR THE STARS AND YOU WILL FLYYYYYY"



yeah sure right Ronnie ....



so yeah ... good moods come and go dont they ?

ugh



such a little thing can bring one up and such a little thing can tear one down ...

now even the music doesnt help ..

and if RONNIE doesnt help .. somethings MAJORLY wrong lol



YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR HEAVEN ...

BUT YOU NEED A LITTLE HELL !!!

WHOOOAAAAAAAaaaaa......







damn skippy ..

i needa lil SOMETHING !!!!

isnt it amazing how some stupid lil thing can make you feel better??



the speakers on my laptop SUCK LONG DEAD WHALE COCKS...



so today i got a lil cheap set of headfones that came with a set of "ear buds"



OMG !! MY MUSIC is LOOOOUUUDDDD AGAIN !!!!!

Im jammin some Tom Petty now.... omfg.....

"YOU DONT KNOW HOW IT FEELS....

YOU DONT KNOW HOW IT FEELS.....

TO BE MEEEEEEEE"



FUCK yesh !!!

whats the old saying . Music calms the savage beast?



seems it can damn well bring you out of a deep dark FUNK too.. IF the right type of music is listened to :)



"THINK OF ME WHAT YOU WILL

I'VE GOT A LITTLE SPACE TO FILL"



what a kick ass voice Tom has ... poor thing lol



so .. today . this morning actually.... i hit 80000 pages viewed .. and it DOUBLED my percentage of this level ...





Your Status: Viper (Level 21)



You have completed 62% of this level.



Pages Viewed Score: 21 x .30 = 6.3

Time Spent Score: 25 x .50 = 12.5

Ratings Score: 14 x .10 = 1.4

Posts Score: 10 x .10 = 1

Score: 21.2

Referral Points: 0

Referral Modifier: 1

Mark Bonus: 2%

Mark Modifier: 1.02

Total Score: 21.2





which is pretty cool

ima start up some major rating later...(as tom sings to me about how good it is to be king :)(yeah the world would swing if i were king..can i help it if i ... still dream time to time??)



anyway where was i ??

oh yeah ..rambling on to muh journal cuz theres no one to talk to .... about my level ...



so .. i really have no major desire to make sire (lmfao.. ok I thought it was funny n/m) but it is kinda nice to see those numbers going up from time to time ..





OMG !!!!! BON JOVI !!!!

hahah

yyyeeessshhhhhhi am an 80's kid !!!

YOUR LOVE IS LIKE BAD MEDICINE !!!!!

okay wait...

lemme do some couch dancing for a lil while ;)

(you THINK im kidding dont yah ?? lmmfgdao...)



AINT NO PARAMEDIC GONNA SAVE THIS HEART ATTACK !!



WHOOOOOAAA WHOA WHOA !!!!

SHAKE IT UP JUST LIKE BAD MEDICINE !!!





holy fuck

lmao



my poor dogs lmfao



i wonder whats next?? lmfao



DOCTOR DOCTOR GIMME THE NEWS !!!

I GOTTA BAD CASE

OF LOOOOVING YOU !!!!!!



oh lawd haha

off to nannys to HOPEFULLY do the lat of the painting for a while geeze..



i could do things alot quicker if she would stay OUTTA MY WAY lmfao



and fuck holly just pulled up

thats all....

just a heavy

*sigh*



to quote a friend ....

"Good Night!"

*sigh*

dont ya hate waking up and just KNOWING its gonna be a fucked up day?

to be honest .. im getting pretty fucking tired of it lol



Spent damn near THREE HOURS on the fone with Razr yesterday afternoon/evening...OMG haha what a trip!



He sounded JUST like i thought he would *giggles* right down to the pitch if his voice lol and we had a great time.. yammering and gossiping about VR shit lol ... it was great to finally have a voice and more of the real personality to go with the writing..Razr's a great kid... and I am proud to call him my friend and VR son :)



Thanks Manny.. i needed that :)



So today I go to Nannys to TRY and finish up the painting (UGH) and hopefully will get it done in time to leave her house..do a little grocery shopping, and get Holly home in time for her to get ready for work. she's going with me today and hanging out there while i work.



I AM OUT OF CHICKEN FINGERS AND ONION RINGS!

my new obsession lmfao.. (MOONIE !! ima get some today so i can stop bitching lmfao)



Tiggy ... is starting to show just a tad of her PIT-NESS... hadda smack her this morning for trying to rip Emmys throat out lmfao .. but in Tiggys defense, Emmy DID start it.. i am trying very hard not to get to attached to the lil shit .. its almost like she was SENT to us after Butch was shot.. but i just cant get passed this pit bull-phobia....







im so tired...

my sleeping is still fucked up ... laying there and trying to sleep and not being able to do anything but think about shit ... even the fucking radio wasnt co-operating last night .. i missed Lars AND Coast to Coast UGH... and thats usually what keeps my mind OFF of SHIT...



Just put my guesses in the Coven Contest... seems i am still in first place after last week .. AMAZING as i dont know SHATner about football lmfao... was just thinking. if by some miracle i happen to win this ting .. i will prolly gift my prize to someone.. a years premie account.. i already know who it will be :) .. but i am not holding my breath ... winning the contest would be something good... and well.. yadda yadda ... i dont see it happening



do you ever feel like... just... *sigh*

it doesnt really matter...

*falls offa the couch laffin*



fake peepees need NOT apply !!!!



or LOST peepees for that matter !!!!!!



*passes out from hyperventilation*

nothing on the radio OR tv (that i can pick up at least out here in the goddamned middle of NO FUCKING WHERE) ..



but church services



and WHAT a fucking JOKE !!!!!?!?!!!

praying to a god that doesnt give a french fried flying fuck... extolling the glory of one who doesnt give a SHIT... might as well be praying to a fucking rock



am i in a cynical mood today?



YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE

and really lol you dont give a shit

but thats okay...

i dont either

some changes made to my profile......



its grey

its cloudy

im alone

whats new?

does it make you feel good.... does it make you feel BETTER.... to not only shove the knife in to the hilt but to give it a good TWISTING while you're at it?



you are a GRAND example of a true CUNT BITCH



no.. quite honestly i DONT know

dont know a goddamned thing about you

for all i know you save starving children from the mouths of lions when you're not here

but i couldn't give a FLYING FRENCH FRIED FUCK about what you do away from here... its what you DO here thats affected someone i know and call friend, and for that .. for that which you have done i hope you suffer terribly..horribly... and for a looooong time



and you will .. oh YES you will....

wanna know how i know??



because KARMA is a raging CUNT BITCH TOO...

and she will come 'round to BITE YOU ON YOUR ASS



and i will SO enjoy it :)

how such a little puppy can PEE SO MUCH !!!

hahaha



okay

im going back to bed now

i shouldnt bitch ... at least she woke me up so i could take her outside !!



g'night

i wish there was more that i could do ....

more than write the word HUG inside lil *'s and hit "send"



i can promise you this. i will always be here to read whatever YOU need to write.... write it down and send it away .. sometimes it really does help...



you have every right to your bitterness... its okay...

you have every right to hurt and feel betrayed...

and you even have every right to hate... though i know you better than that..



im here .. if ya need me :)